Introduction
This major, but quite unexhaustive topic, ‘abuse’, especially in marriages, has become the most talked about in most circles, platforms, groups, and churches. As well known, abuse can happen in different forms and on different levels, irrespective of gender. It can happen both in marriages and out of marriages; it can happen anywhere and anytime. Somehow, we seem to mostly scratch it on the surface -when an incident occurs, we all empathize, some share their experiences, our emotions are usually all over the place and when something else have our attention, we move on. That in itself is not bad because life must go on. However, with recent occurrence of our Gospel Singer, we have serious discussions and education going on on various platforms. So the question is why the abuse in the first place?
Reasons for Abuse
Reasons for abuse does not make abuse is excusable! Some abuses are a result of how some children have been trained, what they have been exposed to or habits picked up from adults they may admire. Also, they may have had violent emotions/uncontrollable anger issues (could be temperamental) growing up which were never dealt with right from the scratch. It then becomes a weakness that needs to be dealt at an age when it is more difficult to deal with and breeds a monster.
Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong if two bonded friends/families (Jonathan and David in the Bible), have their children get married. The issue is that more often than not, the children may not necessarily have interest in each other, but if they are the type that seeks their parent’s approval and are people pleasers, then they may tend to bend over and go ahead with the marriage. In some cases, the children have no say in this or their parents are able to convince them. Usually, in such arrangements, if one sees his or herself as superior or doing the other a favor, then abuse is very likely. This also goes for some arranged marriages too outside friendship bonds.
Sometimes too, before we say ‘I do’, we see all the red flags(no need to explain right?) and we still go ahead; either because plans are far advanced with it’s accompanying cost or we are afraid of the stigma/tag that may come with calling off the wedding! Hey not an easy decision and action to take! In the same vein, we hardly discuss serious and major issues of life, not even hypothetically to get each other’s genuine views. Of truth, we cannot know a person enough, but we still need to cover the basics!
Do we ever stop loving a person? Well some people just fall out of love. I have also maintained that, yes relationships/marriages definitely requires effort to make it work and ‘it takes two to tango’. We must note that every relationship is in phases and one of them is the latent phase where everything seems inactive. You have not necessarily fallen out of love – NO! If for some reason one partner wants out and the other part has done all the needful (discussing, counseling, praying, etc.), then probably it is better to part ways. It is one of the reasons/excuses for abuse.
Total dependence on a partner, especially, financially can breed grounds for abuse. Total dependence on some partners naturally overburdens them and in their frustration abuse the dependent partner, if they feel the other partner is not pulling his/her weight.
Low self-esteem of one’s self is such a killer! An easy prey for any abuser. Naturally there are people who have low self-esteem due to temperaments vis-a -vis their certain experience and/or upbringing. Some people naturally will take undue advantage to exploit.
Some partners, usually the men tend to treat their spouses as children when the age gap is wider. They subject them to verbal and physical abuse, which stems from recognizing the spouse as a partner and according the needed mutual respect. Such spouses tend to be extremely jealous and possessive.
Some partners are just ungrateful. When they have nothing and have not achieved much in life, they are the most humble persons you could ever come across; however when their spouses have sacrificed and paid the price to help them attain achievable heights in life, that is when they know to abuse them to make them feel powerful and in control. Also, to deprive the spouse from enjoying the fruits of their sacrifices and support.
Like I said earlier, reasons can never run out and yet the other reason maybe NO REASON at all! Some others don’t have any reason or need to abuse…let’s just say it’s in their genes. They just cannot stand to see you happy!
What we need to understand/do or not do
First off, irrespective of the situation and and who may be the perpetrator or victim, we have to restrain from being judgmental. We are usually quick to state that the victim should have left and done one thing or the other. We need to understand that the victim who has been grounded to the lowest point of no self-esteem, need a whole psychological overhauling, and that in itself is a process! Also, we owe to our fellow human, as our civil duty to at least report if we suspect any such occurrences so due action is taken. We should not see it as being in another person’s business…or maybe it’s just about time we are. If we will report theft and other social vices, then it’s time we start seeing abuse as one of those to be reported! Again, let’s guide both to seek professional help, especially if they are family and close friends (provided we are trustworthy). It is also important that we are financially independent (NB: not rich). The money may not be much but at least it can take care of our petty/personal needs. At least we are not totally dependent on our spouse.
Parents, let us train our children the right and Godly way. Both girl and boy child should be taught all house chores holistically, to be trained to have mutual respect for each other (no one is superior/inferior to the other). Again parents should not over pamper their wards, ignore their negative attitudes/behavioral excesses and above all not show undue favoritism. Also, knowing each child’s temperament and dealing with the weaknesses of it, will go a long way to groom the child into a better adult. Parents have to be intentional in educating children on certain vices alongside teaching the virtues. Do not unduly chastise your children, mistrust and/or shut them out (Don’t breed monsters for society to deal with).
My dear victim, all is not lost, you can definitely be free from all this! Heed to advises and calls to support! Stop making excuses for your partner! You can always become a better person though it won’t be an easy journey, but know you are one strong being and very capable of mastering that self-confidence and bounce back! Just get ready for the long haul – the sneers, snide remarks, trolling, but you definitely will come out victorious! There will still be care, love and support from loved ones. And just so you know, do you because you need no one’s approval to leave (stay for that matter).
Perpetrator, what I will tell you is that you have the will power to resist from this menace! Acknowledge that you are either a weakling or just wicked for no reason(you may have ‘your’ reasons)- either way you need professional help or it could end in disaster for you (jail term could be the least). We need you to be a better person, the very image of God you were created in.
Conclusion
This brewing canker is a menace which needs all hands on deck to fight it. From the home, church, school, legislature, human rights and civic groups; society at large need to tackle this heads on. We are all involved to make our society better and safe. Shall we?
To my siblings, friends, family, gospel artistes and other loved ones who have gone through abuse and come out, I say kudos to taking that bold step in the right direction! If you have been through the overhauling process, grateful to God for you, lend out a hand to others. If you are still in the process, don’t give up on you, you will get there! To those whom we lost, we pray respite for your souls!
AfiaKolina@26/04/2022
gracelarbi 